Macho and Chocco Nachos
by akaeve
Summary: Tony tries to woo Ziva.
1. Chapter 1

"You know the old saying, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach," well you should try it sometime Ziva," Tony smiled stuffing some potato chips into his mouth.

"I always thought it was through his chest," she replied smiling, fingering the nail file, and twirling it ever so seductively through her hand.

"But then again Tony, you could always go up through the stomach, if the knife was a stiletto," Tim added.

"Of course you know this? Why and how? Are you a hired assassin?" Tony now questioned looking worried.

"Tony, I write, I research, I know how to kill people…..theoretically, but in real life I shoot them, OK," Tim finished saying.

"Gear up, dead Petty Officer, Quantico mess hall …" their Boss added appearing from the director's direction.

-oOo-

"Mmmmmmmm messy, and not because Anthony, the Petty Officer in question is in the mess hall, but because of the blunt force trauma implemented to the skull by either a mallet or because she was a chef, a meat tenderiser, but before you say anything Jethro, this one could have been a double sided tenderiser, the ridges or spikes on the other side… but as always I won't know until we get our new guest home. Gentlemen?" as Ducky now indicated to Jimmy and Tony, "The bag?" pointing to the body bag.

-oOo-

Back at the Navy Yard, Ducky was getting carried away with stories of old.

"Your injuries remind me of a case I saw when I was a student at Edinburgh Medical School, not that I was a ME in those days. No it was when I was out with the "gang" so to speak, we met up with the girls from the Dough school. It was really the Domestic Science College, situated just up from Haymarket Station, just at Atholl Crescent, the girls were always willing to cook and share, purely to improve their culinary skills. But I digress, we did at one point have to see a post mortem and it just so happened that the gentleman involved had a similar mark on his head. It turned out that he had been murdered by one of the lecturers."

Ducky didn't hear the door slide open and Tony enter the room.

"Ducky, I need some advice?"

"From me Anthony, why not your father or Jethro, come to think of that," came to reply.

"No Duks, you don't understand. Can't ask dad, as, well he burns stuff or it takes too long to cook. As for Gibbs well, I don't think steak cooked on an open fire is very romantic, and well the smell of burnt meat in your clothes and hair is just…" as Tony shivered, "I wanted to impress for Valentine's day."

"Quite, but I must ask what the lady or is it gentleman," Ducky asked a sly smile on his face, "Likes to eat?"

"Not sure, in fact haven't invited her to dinner yet."

"So we are talking female, good. Well fish is always a good stand by. Salmon enjoys a rich history as a natural aphrodisiac. It is only in recent times that it's been pinpointed that salmon is a sexual powerhouse. An excellent source of protein…..essential for stamina… it is also loaded with omega 3's, proven to elevate serotonin levels in the brain and thereby enhance mood. Vitamin rich, it is a great dose of A, D, B and calcium, all known to be necessary for giving the all-important libido lift. And if grilled, or poached very slimming."

"You could say the same for oysters."

"Oh yes, the oyster's slightly salty sweet scent, a smell not dissimilar to a potent female pheromone, has proven to be sexually stirring. Although loaded with zinc, a key nutrient for testosterone production, Casanova supposedly consumed 50 oysters each day to keep his libido in top form."

"What about chocolate?" Tony now asked.

"Now chocolate's reputation as an aphrodisiac, is deeply embedded in the history of Western civilization, you know. The Mayans used cacao beans to pay for prostitutes in their early version of whorehouses. The going rate was around eight beans per woman I believe, not that I was there you understand Anthony," seeing a smile on Tony's face. "And the great Aztec ruler, Montezuma, one of the first red hot lovers to tap into chocolate's strengths, was reported to have consumed as much as fifty cups of chocolate elixir before heading off to his harem."

"Fascinating Ducky, but what do you suggest?"

"I suggest you maybe take a crash course in gourmet cooking from this acquaintance's daughter," Ducky replied moving to his desk and removing a business card from the drawer, "Madame Soufflet, she wrote a book called " _How to rise to the occasion - every time,"_ and it isn't what you think Anthony, but her classes are very informative and well presented, and I am sure you will find what you need for your romantic tryst."

Tony thanked the good doctor and left with the card.


	2. Chapter 2

Tony sat in his apartment fingering the card. It wasn't like he needed to learn to cook…..did he? Yes he supposed he did. He was getting like Gibbs, just snacking or buying in or should that be taking away. His oven was too clean, and the hob pristine.

He lifted his cell from the table and taking a deep sigh touched in the number….

"Hi, you have reached the number of Madame Soufflet, sorry I am unable…" Tony heard the automated voice say, but just as he was about to abort the call a voice butt in. "Hi sorry, I'm here…. but do you have any idea what it's like, to just be getting your hollandaise to blend when the phone rings….no I don't suppose you do that is why you are ringing…..but not to worry I dropped in the ice cube and saved it….but sorry what can I do to help you?"

Tony was about to say sorry wrong number when he thought hollandaise and eggs Benedict, "Hi yes got your name and number from a Doctor Mallard, he knows your mother….."

"Everybody knows my mother, what she done now?" the voice continued.

"Nothing, just….excuse me but do I have the right person. I'm looking for a Madame Soufflet re some cookery classes," Tony began to explain wondering why he should explain.

"Sorry yes, I am she, and yes I do classes, but I am also freelance if you need instruction at home."

Tony began to wonder if the book Ducky mentioned was in fact a sex guide.

"Maybe this is not a good idea but I was looking for some instruction on some catering for a romantic dinner…but maybe I should just get a takeaway or take her out for a meal."

"No, please, sorry for the outburst but I would be delighted to teach you some dishes….your place or mine? Oh and call me Maggie."

"Maggie, mine would be better, then I know the appliances. When would be appropriate for you to call, as I work odd shifts but I am hopefully off this weekend."

"This weekend will be fine I have had a cancellation, now address please?"

Tony reeled off his address and began to wonder if he was doing the right thing.

-oOo-

Madame Soufflet arrived dead on the time; she had said she would there at 11.50AM. Sharp. Tony opened the door to someone he had not expected, although he wasn't sure what he had expected. A daughter of a friend of Ducky's, so about mid-forties then, or even fifties, but no here stood a tall slim twenty something, maybe early thirties, slightly bohemian, a gipsy, a hippy of a new age, he was not expecting that.

"Tony? Hi Maggie," as swept into the apartment here perfume following her.

"Wow, Poison," Tony replied sniffing the air.

"Very good, Dior yes. I try not to wear when I'm cooking but I have a book signing this afternoon, and I wanted to see you in person and get some ideas on what you were wanting to prepare. I also like to inspect the catering area," as Maggie breezed round the central island, her finger touching as she went, she finished by looking at her finger. "Just general dust I feel, nothing greasy, so you really do not cook?"

"Is that not what I said," Tony replied.

"So," as Maggie now plonked herself on the sofa, her long gypsy skirt flowing over the edge, "What did you have in mind? Give me an idea of your love. I mean is she vegan…. allergy intolerant?"

"Jewish."

"Practicing?"

"No, I think she should know by now…." Tony smiled jokingly.

"I mean does she or does she not?" Maggie now asked getting quite agitated.

"I do hope so," Tony laughed, again beginning to wonder if maybe the book was a sex guide.

"Tony, what I am trying to ascertain is…."

"I know what you mean. No, not as a rule."

"So I will return tomorrow, with ingredients and I do hope you will be prepared," Maggie now said rising and facing Tony, "Shall we say 11.50AM again?" as she watched Tony nod, "And maybe you will tell me just how this Doctor Mallard knows my mother. Yes?" Again Tony nodded, as he opened the door and watched the as the woman seemed to float out the door into the corridor, her perfume following close behind.

"Wow," as Tony now leant against the closed door.


	3. Chapter 3

Tomorrow arrived, as tomorrows always do and then become todays, but for Tony he had tidied, cleaned, bought a couple of bottles of good red wine and then on an afterthought a bottle of white…for cooking. He remembered something he had read on facebook. "I cook with wine and sometimes add it to food", it had amused him. He had also bought an apron; one of those butcher type ones in blue and white stripe, now all he had to do was wait.

Maggie arrived right on cue laden down with two baskets not your usual supermarket bags but proper baskets. He was impressed. Dumping the food by the island Maggie now asked.

"My mother, how does this Doctor Mallard, know her?"

"Actually he never said, just she was an acquaintance and that your classes are very informative and well presented. But Dr Mallard is our M.E."

"Ah, your M.E. for whom?"

"NCIS which is Naval….."

"Criminal Investigative Service…..I understand. My mother was the Matron of the Nursing Home his mother was in, until she too began to display the symptoms of Dementia, and promptly put her name down for same home. I am forever getting calls about her outlandish behaviour. She is a bad influence on the other guests. And yes, I do believe Ducky does visit occasionally. So now that that is sorted….food, or should I say menu."

"I haven't really thought of anything. I hoped you could conjure up something," Tony now said sheepishly. He just hoped it would be good and easy.

"I had thought for starters you could entice her with asparagus gremolata, it only takes minutes to prepare and any excess asparagus you could serve with poached salmon and lemon juice with a few lightly buttered baby potatoes, which although I would do fresh I suggest you buy for the microwave, heat and place in your oven covered with foil so it looks like you have been busy."

"Asparagus?" Tony questioned looking worried.

"Yes, feeding asparagus to your lover by hand, the nibbling, produces the most aphrodisiac effect. The secret to asparagus is in more than its shape. The pencil-sized vegetable is packed with nutrients needed for healthy hormone production, including an injection of vitamin E, which is also great for your skin. It's also a source of folate, important for reproductive health," as Maggie smiled at Tony "And lastly, you might be surprised to learn that asparagus is one of the antioxidant rich foods and will help fight the aging process."

"Wow, you been reading the same sheet as Ducky?" wondering if the book really was a sex guide.

"Now," as Tony looked on watching Maggie cook the asparagus and whip up the gremolata, "This only takes as long to prepare as the asparagus cooks, then sprinkle over the hot veg with extra virgin olive oil, and there you have it," as Maggie now served up in front of Tony.

"Wine?"

"I would say a Pinot Grigio or if you want a red then Pinot Noir. The silky, subtle tannin structure, with strawberry and raspberry fruit characters; along with the often earthy undertones of Pinot Noir bring out the savoury flavours."

"So now I have the starter and the main course what do you suggest for afters," Tony smiled.

"To be honest if you need help with afters….." Maggie laughed, "You really do need help, but may I suggest chocolate soufflé, that is my speciality and can be made the previous day, refrigerated then popped into the preheated oven for 10 minutes," as she now turned the oven on and from her baskets produced four ready prepared ramekins, "So now that the meal is almost complete, will you open one of those reds I see, and we will eat."

By 1.30pm Maggie had prepared and cooked the meal, and plated up, as they now sat at the table.

"I must say, not only will red wine halt those evil free radicals and keep you skinny and young, but it will also boost your libido and that of your lover." Maggie said sipping the wine seductively. "In the game of seduction, musky, masculine reds are best, earthy Pinots offer aromas of leather, tobacco and earth. When wine is used as an aphrodisiac, the scent is key, although the alcohol always helps knock down walls," as Tony listened and thought he really should ask about the book.  
Lunch over Tony sat back sated, the chocolate soufflé was or should that be, had been delightful, the red wine also complimenting the chocolate.

"Maggie, I have to ask…the book, " _How to rise to the occasion - every time,"_ what is it about?"

"Tony, the author?"

"You, Madame Soufflet."

"Soufflés,…..soufflés Tony, soufflés."


	4. Chapter 4

Tony spent the rest of the day and into the evening just wondering how he was going to invite Ziva to dinner. Could he invite her over to discuss a case? Nah, they weren't working on anything. Invite her to discuss a makeover for the apartment. Nope, Ziva wasn't that type of person who was that arty crafty. He had to sleep on it.

Next morning and he was still deliberating. He again wondered if he should ask Ducky for assistance. The elevator pinged and Tony got in but not thinking pressed the floor he wanted, only when it was going down did he realise the down light was registering. Damn, but he was in no hurry. The door pinged open at the garage, and he saw Ziva get in.

"Morning," he smiled.

"Morning."

"Good weekend?" he ventured.

"It was OK. I went for a run, the gym and swimming. You?"

"Oh nothing much, played the piano, looked out the window at the world. Thought I might write a book."  
The elevator arrived at their floor and the doors opened. On the spur of the moment Tony pressed the basement again and held Ziva back. As the elevator dropped Tony did the Gibbs trick and stopped it.

"Ziva," as he turned to face her and placing his hands on her shoulders, took a deep breath and continued, "Will you have dinner with me on Sunday?"

"Sunday? Is that not St Valentine's day?"

"Is it? I don't remember, but will you have dinner with me or not?" he again asked.

"Yes, I would like that," as she leant forward making Tony loosen his grip, she switched the switch to on, They made the basement where the door opened and everyone looked at the open door. Tony smiled and gave a little finger wave, Ziva just shook her head, as the door closed she asked, "What time?"

"7ish."

-oOo-

Tony was now so pleased, he just had to go through the preparation of the meal, he even went out of his way to buy a new apron.

A little domestic murder, and a quick theft from the Marine Family Club, saw the week just fly by. Tony hadn't mentioned their dinner date to anyone, but the looks and smiles between the two had Tim wondering. Gibbs just thought #rule12.

"Anything planned for the weekend?" Tim eventually asked late Friday afternoon.

"No," came a resounding reply in unison.

"Are you taking Delilah anywhere nice for Valentine's?" Ziva asked.

"No, I am cooking a special meal for her."

"Didn't take you for a cook McGee, you'll have to give me some tips," Tony added but saw Ziva look down and smile.

"We all have our secrets, don't we Tony," as Tony began to wonder if his secret was out.  
Gibbs indicated they should just go, enjoy their weekend.

-oOo-

Saturday saw Tony cleaning the apartment, and prepping the food already for Ziva, he even went as far as to go and have a sauna, and a Turkish facial. Now as he sat quietly playing the piano thinking…..what could go wrong.

-oOo-

Sunday morning, and Tony dashed out to the local deli, he knew they would be open as he had seen the sign. He returned with a bunch of flowers, not roses, just flowers. They were held in their own little island of water so they could be given fresh. He placed then in the sink, for being a Senior Field Agent he still had no idea about flowers so dashed out again for a vase, at least this passed the time.

As early afternoon moved to late afternoon, Tony prepped up the chocolate soufflés, and found there was some left over. In a normal situation he would have gorged himself, but he rewrapped and placed in the fridge, and went for a shower and dressed then redressed.

He paced the apartment thinking, "What if she doesn't arrive? What if the meal's a mistake? What if?" as the main doorbell buzzed, he answered, it was Ziva, he let her in and waited for her gentle knock on his door.

"Hi," as he opened the door. She was dressed "girly". "Wow, you look nice," as he looked her up and down, "Sorry come in," as he opened the door further and Ziva entered.

Tony had dimmed the lights and he had Puccini's Gianni Schicchi playing quietly in the background.

"Nice," was all Ziva could say.

"Can I take your jacket?" he smiled nervously, as he watched her take her jacket off and hand it to him.

"Thank you."

"Please make yourself at home," as he went to the closet. "Wine? I have red or if you would like white, but it can be so acidic."

"Tony, please stop being nice. I mean don't make small talk. I have come for dinner with a friend, let's just try and relax and talk about…..the music…..the weather…what you have or are cooking for me. Am I that difficult to entertain? You do not need to impress me. But yes red wine would be wonderful," as she looked at the 6 bottles unopened on the work top.

Tony smiled, and as he took the waiter's friend from the drawer and picking up a bottle, he began to uncork, as he pulled the cork from the bottle with a "pop" there was a bang and the lights and music went out and stopped.

"Damn," Tony announced.

"Where is the fuse box?" Ziva now asked, as they heard a knock on the door.

Tony looked through the spyhole, "It's the bloodhound from across the hall. The one my father had a fling with," he whispered.

"Mr DiNozzo, can you help it appears my electricity has gone off."

"Yeah so has mine, so it looks like we have a major outage in the building. Have you called maintenance? Because I really can't help," he shouted through the door.

He turned back to see Ziva laughing, but she was pouring the wine, in the presence of tea-light candles. "I hope you don't mind?" as she passed him a glass, "I found the candles in the top cupboard."

"Ziva, I don't know how long the electric will be off, so do you fancy going out for a meal? Or could I just interest you in the wine and I do have chocolate in the refrigerator, and if I remember a packet of nachos somewhere."

All Ziva could do was laugh, as she admitted that there was nothing she would like better than to stay in, eat chocolate with nachos and drink the wine and maybe just maybe they could tickle the ivories as she ran her fingers along the piano keys.

The End.


End file.
